Cut The "Why?"-Knots

By Douglas Wilson Johns, M.S.W.

Most of us have experienced the annoyance of a cute six year old who has discovered the power of asking "Why?" At first we may answer respectfully, encouraging an earnest child. By the third "Why?", however, a pattern has become clear; she asks and I dutifully respond; a perfect relationship . . . for the six year old, that is.

"Why" does have power and when someone asks us "Why?" we often feel compelled to answer. However, asking "Why?" can also generate anxiety, anger, and resentment that interferes with human relating. This is because "Why?" assumes that there should be an answer, a rational answer, to what may be an emotional or irrational scenario. Concurrently, "Why?" is perceived as demanding and it is natural for people to resist or defend against demands.

There are two "whys" we can all encounter when relating with teens: The "Why can't I?" of youth and the "Why did you?" of age; adults resent the former, teens the latter. Both types of questions can "tie-up" the recipient with anger, frustration, and guilt.

SOLUTIONS

Resist asking adolescents "Why did you do that?" or "Why didn't you . . .?" Instead, remind them once what you'd like to be different. ("I'd like you home by your 11 PM curfew on Saturdays.") If needed, implement consequences that are appropriate, short, and to the point. ("You're grounded next Saturday night.") Finally, drop the discussion; don't argue, preach , or instruct.

Next time your son or daughter hounds you with "whys" resist the compulsion to explain yourself. Until he or she is able to inquire calmly about your decisions and to accept "no" for an answer it's o.k. to say "Because I said so." If he or she persists in complaining, give one warning. ("Either this discussion stops now or you get 15 minutes in your room." [or no Nintendo tonight, or you go clean the toilets; again something quick and to the point.]) If he or she continues, follow through with your consequences. It's consistency without yelling or arguing that you want to perfect so remember: To be effective it's important to speak respectfully with your kids as you would like them to speak with you. When they approach you calmly about your decision then they deserve a brief explanation and question session.

Teens have one foot in childhood and the other in adulthood; they look to your example for stability in the present and guidance toward the future. Decreasing the arguing in your home enriches your whole family with stability and confidence. Cutting the why-knots can help.