"That is a nice picture, Jenny, but mommy doesn't have time right now to watch you draw."

"You are talented, John, but I want you to graduate from college."

"Of course I love you, honey, but I don't want to discuss this."

Do any of these look or sound familiar? Perhaps you're busy, or worried, or upset; you want the person you're speaking with to know you care at the same time that you want to be heard, respected and listened to. You acknowledge their point of view then express yours: "You have great taste, Helen, but I don't like plaid." Perhaps an argument ensues and you wonder why. Maybe the discussion ends on a sour note and you feel a little sad about the exchange. "What happened?", you may think.

Sometimes the simple changing of a word can make all the difference. World renowned therapist Bill O'Hanlon says, "Words are like cancer; they spread." His counsel is to choose words carefully to affect desired outcomes. Linguistically the word "but" negates or discounts what comes before it. If I say, "I love you but I don't want to talk about it.", the listener tends to hear the last part of the conjunction and miss the first part. My father, H.D. Johns, a psychotherapist for over 30 years, likes to say "scratch your 'buts'" to help people remember this rule.

SOLUTION:

Use the word "and" and eliminate or "scratch" the word "but." It may sound or feel awkward at first and with practice it will become more facile. Using "and", as Dr. Phil Trautmann says, "means both are true:" "I love you and I don't want to talk about it." Think "Both/And" rather than "Either/Or."

This simple change with adults does facilitate hearing the other person concurrent with asserting ones own desires. With kids, using "and" is calming and it models flexibility. Try it and you just might like it!